eyelids
I was just getting ready for bed, doing my nightly routine of washing my face and scrutinizing every feature from a nearsighted three feet away from the mirror, and remembered that my eyelids are now symmetrical. So today you’re getting the story of my eyelids.
For anyone who has known me from before mid-2024ish, you might (not) have noticed that my eyelids were asymmetrical. My right had one full fold, while my left eyelid had 1.5 folds. The left side had a weird half fold that went from my inner corner out to the middle of my eyelid, which made that left eye look a sliver smaller than my right eye. You probably wouldn’t notice it unless, well, you’ve had every day of your life to stare at it. It had been like this my entire life - if you look at pictures from when my age was still counted by months, you can see the two different eyelids.
Growing up in the golden age of youtube makeup tutorials, teenaged me tried all the time to even out my eyelids. I would put tiny strips of tape or glue on one eyelid or the other, so my eyes looked symmetrical when they were open (and it looked like a poorly healed cat scratch when it was closed). Michelle Phan sold me the pipe dream that eyelids could be “trained” to hold a fold if you just taped them religiously - including sleeping in the tape, which I tried for maybe two days before I came to the conclusion that youtubers must be sponsored by Big Eyelid Tape™. Eyelid surgery was becoming super popular in Asia, and I heard of some girls getting the surgery done on summer vacation. I never went so far as to consider surgery or even regularly wear eyelid tape, and eventually I got to the age where other insecurities became more pressing than a funky epicanthal fold, but throughout my teenage years the desire for symmetrical eyes landed somewhere below a fixation and above a fleeting thought.
At some point in the summer (I think) of last year, I woke up one morning and my left eyelid lost its extra fold. My two eyelids were completely symmetrical. I’m sure it happens to everyone occasionally - you eat too salty or drink too much, and your facial features bastardize themselves overnight with random puffiness. That’s what I figured happened this day, and the next day it indeed went back to its usual shape. But a little while after that, it happened again, and from then on, it hasn’t gone back. Physiologically, this probably has something to do with aging…losing facial fat…losing collagen…losing sanity…but I’m choosing to save the aging hysteria for my 40s. At the time, I was going through a slightly rougher emotional situation than I was used to, so naturally I imbued this sudden and long-desired (but also long-accepted) physical change with all kinds of metaphorical and ontological meaning. My face changed, so it must be signaling that my identity, my existence, my being was changed too. (ok so it wasn’t just a slightly rougher time lol)
Now that over a year has passed from then and my new eyelid has had a minute to settle in, I have to say that sometimes I miss my funky eyelid. I like facial symmetry as much as the next girl born into the blender of absurd beauty standards, but in the immortal words of tiktok brainrot, I like how it’s a little off-center…it’s got wabi sabi. My old eyelid made it super easy to figure out which side of me I was looking at, and it was almost like an imperfection that had been smoothed over by years of familiarity. I like my face now, too, but sometimes when I’m scrubbing the day away, I find my line of sight drifting around, searching for a landmark that’s no longer there. I wonder if 16 year old me would be pleased to see me now - I got what she wanted, but when we didn’t really want it anymore.
tldr; youtube makeup star Michelle Phan started an MLM and joined a cult, but she had some real great tips back in the 360p days